im so haaaaapppy the carbonite is gone...... im movin on!
the title, much like the cake, is a LIE! i just have that song stuck in my head
but hi hello how are you (weird, thank you!) this is my/our/his/wormie's blog(? journal? diary?) to talk about identity stuff cause its weeeeeird and i always forget to write it down and talk to my therapist about it. but if its not online like if i can only access it on one device that will drive me crazy and frankly idgaf if random people see my blog. hi if you see this 👋
so ya i will talk about that mentally ill shit on here which is crazy to think about considering how much better i am compared to two or three years ago. like OH my god the difference is astounding. Do you know how crazy it is to not want to kill yourself after wanting to die as long as you can remember??? its been months and months and im still not over that. and people can just DO stuff they werent kidding!!!! adderall changed my life!!!!! adhd still kicks my ass but significantly less now!!!!!! i mean now my options for travel and especially international moving are very limited because adderall isn't legal in lotsa places and also no matter where i went id stll have to get shit re-prescribed i think. So im stuck in the fuckass states of america possibly forever we will see how it goes. IDK. thats a problem for future me i havent even started college yet (i am starting college next week or the week after i think its the week after. i forget)
but ummmm hi. wormie isnt my real name its not a name ive ever used its not a name any of the weird people in my head have used. ill be real i stole it from luke skywalker cause like wormie is just a fun name. i wish i had a name of my own!!!!
its been months if not a solid year now and i just Dont have a name. or identity. i mean obviously i do but my sense of self is weird as fuck man i know who i am physically i know who i am as other people perceive me and as i present myself especially online but i dont know who i am to MYSELF. i dont have a name im dead serious every name people call me feels wrong but i dont have any alternatives so i cant. Do anything? introducing myself is so fucking awkward cause its like "hi........ im. ummmm. [name]" i have to think about it and i feel like im lying !!!!!!!!! ahhhhhh!!!!!!!!
i miss when the weird little people in this little old mind would take over the identity for a while why cant we just steal another fictional characters name and image for a bit huh??? i dont think im expressing my point very well aughhhh
like irs Weird its WEIRD. its kind of a derealization/dissociation thing but like im fully aware im a real human person but like who the fuck am i. i know logically who i am! or at least who people perceive me to be! but i dont know who i am to myself or who i want to be or who i have been and i hate it i really do. im fully aware 2am is not a good time to be writing this i always overthink more than usual AUGHHH FIRST PERSON PRONOUNS ARE ANNOYING US. if we start talking like this we sound like gollum which is funny actuwlly we might roll with this for a while. Anywho its early in the morning (if it even counts as morning to you) and we're tired and we really should go to sleep (several hours ago really!) but we thought about setting up this blog and we did and we domt know where we were goint with thqt.
ABHHH its fucking with us so bad that if we accidentiwlly typw any first person pronouns which we are going to avoid doing right now it physically makes us flinch like bro what Happened. ahhh!!! ahhhhhh!!!!!!! to be fair thiugh as much as it freaks us out the tourettes is probavly not helping us. hashtag tourettes syndrome people rise up !
again we say: we forgot where we were going with this :( we think we're going to go get something to eat and drink and pet our lovely cat and go to sleep that sounds like a plan stan! markiplier fnaf videos save us please sing us (metaphorically) to sleep...... actuwlly if its his sister location custom night videos it wouldnt be metaphorical he does do some (weird but fun) singing in those! our favorite is the dance(?) he does when he beats the first custom night thing and hes watching mikey walking down the street and hes just doing this cartoonish walk thinf in his webcam up in the corner and lookint vaguely concernwd and maybe mildly scared. sorry about the typos btw we kinda gave up halfway through. Anyway might link to that later if we can be assed to go get the link ohhhhh its way past bedtime for us the accidentiwl first person talkint is making us flinch even more and its just really freaking us out. this was probably not the best time to start a blog.
WHATEVER! we made this with a separate email and purposely didnt associate ourselves with any other online presences so we could be somewhat anonymous we guess. okay the flinching is seriously gettint to us now we're gonna grab a snack & water, pet our kitty cat and go to sleep. Thankyou everybody so much for reading OHHHH GOD our ohone died as we were googling the markiplier outro we were so scared the copy paste we did (Right before tabbing out thank god) wouldnt save but it did. not chancing that again. BUH BYEEEEE